Looking for the Eucatastrophe

Days circle in an endless haze Sunrise to sunset full of regret Wandering in a careless daze An endless set I want to forget In the confines of this dark maze Confined in fate’s net to life unmet Though the days pass by Night always takes the sky Darkness will descend As though a dreadful end Yet stars will remain And He will forever reign Though death does mar this frail form of life When light does fail the heart need not quail There is still hope amidst the strife Love remains hale and tells the great tale Where truth cut sharp as though a knife And blood formed gale brought end to the wail Days will still pass by And night will take the sky Darkness will descend But it is not the end The stars still remain And God above will reign

“Why?  Why did you have to do that?  Do you see how we’ll suffer?” “I didn’t mean to, and besides, I didn’t even want to.” “But you still did it!  Why?  Anything that was left of Innocence is gone.  Dead and gone.” “I said I didn’t mean it.” “It doesn’t make a difference now.  What’s done is done.  I just wish you would control yourself.” “I want to, if only you knew.  I desperately want to, but I don’t even know how anymore.  It’s almost like I can’t remember.” “Well, I tried to help, but you wouldn’t listen.” “I know!  I know!  I’m trying, it’s just, I don’t know.” “You already said that.  Look, I’ll try to help again, but you have to fight even when it doesn’t seem serious.” “I can control myself.  Don’t worry about the small stuff.” “No!  You can’t do it like that.” “Why not?” “It’s like cancer, it will multiply.  Can’t you see?  One glance can deal the mortal blow.  It doesn’t take more than a second.” “It can’t be as bad as all that, besides, I don’t do it all that much.” “You do

Talons of darkness dig in deep, Deep into my heart. Shreds of light fall asleep, What good will this reap? Blood covers my part, What a miserable art. Guilt consumes, As I choke on the fumes. Guiltless I stand again, Worse than I was then. Corrupted and content, All life now so spent. A wretch for what I've done, I watch the setting sun. Numbness in my mauled mind, Mind that is not mine. Looking far behind, What made me so blind? I drank a sinful wine, Now worthy as the swine. Guilt simmers, As I watch the water's glimmer. Guiltless I stand again, Worse than I was then. Corrupted and content, All life now so spent. A wretch for what I've done, This pain has just begun. Wings of reaction reach the height, Height of love and blood. Scrambling for light, Why do I always choose to fight? Now I surrender to the flood, Washed of the clinging mud. Guilt inspires, Repentant amid the watch men's fires. Guiltless I  stand again, Innocent

Today in the United States it seems that being a Christian is not particularly difficult.   There is no strong cultural persecution, government opposition, or death threats.   Riots sometimes occur over sporting events but hardly ever harbor any religious origin or undercurrents.   Even in schools people are allowed to practice prayer times and Bible studies provided that students lead them.   The mood is one of tolerance and acceptance.   You believe what you want and I’ll believe what I want.   Yet, amidst such tranquility and poise the Christian life is one which is under heavy fire, and which becomes harder and harder to live as society becomes more and more “tolerant”.   It is in this mindset that to be a true Christian is most difficult.   We are the intolerant, the outdated, and the condemners in the modern world’s sunny perspective.   Despite this view of Christianity, it is far from true.   The enemy has moved in a strong way against modern culture.   We can’t see him, but t

I already knew from the reported symptoms what I was dealing with, as I made my way down the stone path.   The elaborate house stood as a paragon of serenity in the mid-morning sunlight, but it did little to deaden the dread that I had as my approach continued.   I remember my younger days as an inexperienced physician’s assistant, and how I would never have thought that anything could dark could dwell within the bounds of Copiosus.   I knew it could be found in Inops but not here.   This was the center of culture, philosophy, and truth, or so I had thought.   Dualism had dwelt deep within as I recall, covering over my eyes and blinding me to the many similarities that the twin cities had. You see, Copiosus has long been a haven for joy and peace.   Wealth and knowledge flow freely through the streets and moral character stands at the cornerstone of the cities foundation.   Well kept houses, green parks, and well paved roads mark advancement and progress that can only be described as a

Let go, It's what you need. Let go, And you'll be freed. This grip is poison sinking in, It's you falling deep in sin. I can't let go, I'll lose all I love. I can't let go, All will crash above. I must hold on to this pain, Otherwise I'll go insane. Let go, I'll hold it for you. Let go, You know it's true. You cannot truly be free, Why can't you see? I can't let go, It may all fall apart. I can't let go, It'll break my heart. I have to be strong, I have to sing this song. Let go, I saved you. Let go, I'll make it new. Surrender to the flood, Be washed in the blood. Make me let go, I cannot do this on my own. Make me let go, I hate the seed I've sown. I need you to take my pain, My sin is driving me insane.

Why does love feel so much like searing pain and loss?  The world interprets love differently, as a potential gain that inspires meaningless feelings caused by a mere chemical reaction in the brain.  This lonesomeness and these painful choices by no means feel anything like what I've heard that love is.  Conclusion:  Love is not what the world says it is, but rather it is a direct choice as laid out in God's word. If this is true, then of what benefit is love?  Suddenly it doesn't feel like the romantic image of fated union or the warmth of a maternal/paternal bond which shelters completely from the storm.  Now it feels like a cold calculation.  Yet, I cannot help but wonder if it was meant to be this way.  Love's difficult.  Love's painful.  Love's intentional.  Love's so much more than a feeling. Why love? That which is from above. Why pain? As it falls on us like rain. Why feel? I just want to heal. Why? He came to die. He loved. He suffered.

Though overwhelming joy feels as though it will unmake you, overwhelming sorrow, pain, and worry crush.  What can one do when darkness that seems to come from within weighs upon the soul until it begins to oppress and stifle life?  The weight is unbearable, and yet but a few days ago I can recall the great joy that was present.  I have no excuse for the way I feel, and all I can do is fall upon the Psalms and pray. In my life I have found that sorrow, confusion, and discomfort will come whether you claim them or not, but it does not mean that such must be all that there is.  God is still good even in the darkest of days.  His glory is still first.  It must be. When focusing on myself I find that a darkness that I cannot explain covers my thoughts, and yet, as I turn to God and lay before him that which crushes my spirit he answers.  Not audibly, but in small touches of comfort and remembrance.  I find joy in this affliction.  Though when all was right there was no pain, it was hard

I wrote this at a time which I should have been completely content and happy with where I was, but I obviously wasn't.  It is a condition which continually haunts me, when all is right I find truly dark thoughts emerge.  Though I am given good I respond with the bad.  Writing helps to ease these moments, and takes my reflection away from myself to God (where it belongs). Darkness threatens to infest, Haunting hallows in my mind. Sickness quickly starts to bind, As I rot in stagnant rest. Though a gift to my heart, The conflict tears me apart. Why must I fall so far, Betraying those who care. Bitterness comes unaware, Bending thoughts, it will mar. I must escape right now, The only questions how? My LORD my God please save me, Restore me unto peace. Please send me release, That I'd be free. This darkness must not hold, My LORD my God make me bold!

Sometimes I don’t recognize myself.   I look in the mirror and I see that my wish to be a strong Christian has fallen into disrepair as I focus upon myself.   What makes this harder still is the fact that sometimes selfishness disguises itself as genuine care.   Often I think that I am being caring of someone else, but really I am merely trying to justify my need to cultivate a particular feeling within.   I become that which I loathe, but the cycle continues even with my most sincere attempts at objectivity. Shattering dreams become self fulfilling prophecies which are grown through my insincerity and insecurity.   I know that I am secure, so why can’t I live like it.   My foundation is firm, but my walls crumble under the gentlest winds.   Why is this? My Lord, what am I? Soldier, saint, or servant? Strong, broken, or humble? In strength I become weak, And as a soldier I become a coward. My Lord, what am I? When I wander away, that is when this identity crisis rises to my mind.  

             With memory as my companion I wander through the wilds of reality pondering my course.   Regret besets me as I plot my path amidst the contradictory voices that are carried by a cruel wind of uncertainty.   This is my life.   Not the worst, but not the best.   A convoluted mass of emotions and haphazard attempts at logic and objectivity, my days are long and my months short.   Sometimes I can walk evenly, but mostly I feel as though I crawl through the countless hours of gray and sprint through the summer sun.             My greatest adversity is myself and the workings of my mind.   Familiar with doubt and failure, I seek to stand on solid ground but slip into the quicksand whenever I stand on my own.   Then I watch in pathetic apathy as the sand of my accomplishments sifts through my hands.   Ashen and shattered are dreams which sometimes I think I never had.   My condition seems dismal amidst the darkening skies.   A broken world surrounds me as it longs to be set free,

Fighting through blizzards of emotion, I shiver at the prospects of a frozen heart. Left to my own self centered decision, I often choose to let myself be torn apart. Yet, hope is rising as I raise my head, No longer do I feel a foreboding dread. Walking on a path of glassy ice, I tremble lest I slip and fall once more. Terrified of my wretched vice, I don't want it to be as it was before. However, I see a light amidst shadows, And how it will go God alone knows. Though bitter winds sweep past, I will still hold on to your hand. Confident of truth at the very last, To this end will I finally make my stand. Never before have I not been afraid, But in this new light all the old ways fade.

Thoughts collide In brilliant flashes Tearing seams As if I'd lied. Buried in ashes Of battered dreams I finally fall apart. Torn across time And space As I lost heart, Seeing my crime In this dark place I surrender all. No where to go But deeper in And I still fall. I already know Of my sin Which writhes inside my soul. I will remain Offering tithes Of my whole As though insane. Calm captures me I can still be free, Please help me.

Joy breaks upon my heart, And the clouds begin to part. In a stupor I start to fade, The love You show is art. One moment I would not trade, Or let anyone persuade, That I'd escape from You. For all the times I've strayed. How could this be so true? A love known to the very few. How can this be my fate? You've made me to be new. No longer bound by hate, God's love for us is still great, Greater than our pitiful state. Hope and joy will not be late.

All hands on deck! The sea is raging strong. All hands on deck! Winds whip all night long. Our course is set ahead, Wake the slumbering dead. The Pilot still stands tall, Amidst the mighty waves. He will not let us fall, Blood and water saves. Though a darker course, He still remains the source. All hands on deck! Waves are rising high. All hands on deck! You cannot live a lie. Rigging is tattered and torn, Bear the weight of the thorn. Piercing eyes still lead, As the treacherous mist rolls in. He has set forth our creed, Setting us free from our sin. Anchored to the very deeps, Where the darkness never sleeps. All hands on deck! Tremble at the steep cost. All hands on deck! We've come for the lost. Our Pilot sets us free, Even in storms can we see. Savior of the earth, Rescuing the sunken dead. The safest berth, Slaying the darkest dread. Trading life for life, Freeing us from the strife. All hands on deck! Sail for the King. All hands

Let me be, But hold me close. I am free, But now alone. I cannot see, But I'll still run. Bittersweet and broken, I am lost again. I forget what You had spoken, And run into a wall. Dreading being awoken, As I toss in nightmares. Bittersweet and broken, This is who I am. Let me be, As I self destruct. I am free, But not my mind. I cannot see, Blind to the truth. Bittersweet and broken, Can I get out? I forget that You had spoken, The key was found there. Dreading being awoken, But called to live. Bittersweet and broken, What have I become? Let me be, But please don't. I am free, You said so yourself. I cannot see, But You'll guide life. Bittersweet and broken, Hope still waits ahead. I forget that You had spoken, Silencing all else. Dreading being awoken, I'll see me for once. Bittersweet and broken, Only to find the truth. Let me be, You never will. I am free, The truth returns. I cannot see, But trust remains. Bittersweet and broken, I'll find out once agai

As I look upon the sunrise, I leave behind the past. As I see behind the lies, I find freedom at last. No darkness can accuse, As evil I refuse. As I look upon the sunrise, I look to what's ahead. As I gaze at the blue skies, I leave behind my dread. Civility returns to me, By His blood I am free. As I look upon the sunrise, I remember a Creator. As I listen to my cries, I stumble like before. No longer bowing to hate, This is not my fate. As I look upon the sunrise, I see my scars dissolve. As I tremble and rise, I feel the blissful salve. Eyes cleared of the dirt, Joy comes from past's hurt.

The world grows darker and darker in my eyes, Falling, shattering, breaking, I am blind. I fall, falling deep inside my mind. My eyes look up to the darkened skies, I fear none shall ever hear my cries. Breaking, I know I can't hold. Falling, My grip is fully gone. Screaming, fear rages in a fit. It's right now I've reached it, I've reached my breaking point! The breaking point! The beauty of the fall. The shattered hopes! The last trip before the all. Piercing light falls down upon my brow, Bleeding, needing, heaving, I do ache. I cry, crying as I break. Knees hit earth as I begin to bow, This is it, I know I need you now! Breaking, I know I can't hold. Falling, My grip is fully gone. Screaming, fear rages in a fit. It's right now I've reached it, I've reached my breaking point! The breaking point! The beauty of the fall. The shattered hopes! The last trip before the all. The breaking point is reached, Dark skies do fall down.

Heartfelt scars deep inside, Bear memories of remorse. Times I wished I died, Lost without a course. A battered heart remains, Numb to the brutal pains. Memories like chains, Binding me to pain. Dreams like stains, What is it that I gain? Corroded corridors of thought, Rotting hope's wonder. My desires once would have fought, But now lie torn asunder. Tears stain eyes with hate, Giving in to a darker fate. Memories like chains, Binding me to rejection. Dreams like stains, Remind me of infection. Is that the light of sunrise, Or of another searing wound. I look unto the open skies, Before my hope is drowned. Bitter darkness blinds, As day to day life grinds. Memories like chains, Binding me to death. Dreams like stains, Stealing my breath. Free me from this prison, This place of solitude. I've made my final decision, Making ashes my food. Repentance is hope, Tackling blood stained slope. Memories like chains, Freedom I will find. Drea

A broken will concedes, Sprouting from deep seeds. Will surrendered now, Giving into needs. Ask the question how? Broken bonds go loose, Old thoughts to the noose. Bittersweets the cost, Losing I refuse. I miss not the lost. Freedom found in chains, Seeds sprout from rains. A new world begins, Free from dark stains. Saved from my sins.

I hate it, This dark addiction. Kill it, Before it causes more friction. This is my monster, My fatal affliction. Like a knife to butter, A razor drags across my arm. In a fitful frenzy I shudder, Intoxicated by harm. I hate it, This dark addiction. Kill it, Before it causes more friction. This is my monster, My fatal affliction. Like a snake into the ground, A needle crawls into my vein. Released from sanity without a sound, Heightened over pain. I hate it, This dark addiction. Kill it, Before it causes more friction. This is my monster, My fatal affliction. Like a blow to the head, An image of flesh numbs my mind. Morals lie broken and dead, Relationships now grind. I hate it, This dark addiction. Kill it, Before it causes more friction. This is my monster, My fatal affliction. Like water draining into sand, Pockets are emptied into chance. Dreams are far too grand, Crumbling in circumstance. I hate it, This dark addiction. This is my monster, My fatal affliction.

A pale sickly full moon rises, As a firefight of syllables begins. We both let fall our disguises, Transformation results from sins. Unleashed is the beast within, And blood curdling howls begin. A flash of shining teeth and fur, The moon reveals that which is true. A silver bullet is my only cure, As my claws lash out against you. Unleashing the monster deep inside, There's nowhere for the beast to hide. Words like fangs pierce deep, Lust for pride in a blood rage. This diatribe I sow and reap, I belong locked inside a cage. Spreading curses through bloodied fangs, Darkness haunts every word that hangs.

Awaiting devastation, Preparing reform. The world sleeps, Lost in indecision. A darkening storm, Looks on as it weeps. Soulless apparitions, Haunted by devastation. Wishing to find reform, And shelter from the storm. Lost without reason, Amidst the darkest season. A merciful light revealed, Burning as it heals. Darkness runs away, As truth is sealed. Pain now feels, As it sees another day. Soulless apparitions, Haunted by devastation. Wishing to find reform, And shelter from the storm. Lost without reason, Amidst the darkest season. Burn within my heart, I long for peace from dark. Devastate my wretched sin, Reform me as I restart. Let me heed the hark, Of my life reborn within. Years of darkness lie behind me, But within You I can be free. Devastated and Reborn.

Arise!  Take up sword and shield! The battle rages on and on, Through wood and plain and field. The days for cowardice are gone. Man lies smoldering in the dust, Take up swords and wipe off rust! The battle lines have been drawn! Look to the East, it is the dawn! Where once blades did impact, Words take up the resounding cries! These are matters of the heart, As pens cut the way through lies. Struggle not against the blood, As it pours down like a flood. Let crimson wash away evil ties! Roar heavens tear open skies! The victory has already been won! Debt is dead, buried, and denied! The final blow was of the Son, And death itself has now died! The battle rages onward, Carried by His Holy Word! Saved for every time I lied, Comforted even as I cried! Arise!  Take up sword and shield! Fight in wood and plain and field!